I hope this letter finds you and yours doing well and in thebest of health. As for myself, I'm doing a great deal better than I have beenfor the last 12 months.
As you know I am a disabled vet. with P.T.S.D.(Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder.) I don't know how much you know about P.T.S.D.but it makes life in general, harder to cope with. In my case, for instance, myfamily seems to think 'ah he'll get over it'.
Al, most of the time people with P.T.S.D. are in their ownlittle world. At least I feel that I am. The only people I can relate to andfeel compatible with are brothers in arms (fellow vets that have or relate toP.T.S.D.) For us (me) life in the civilian world is a jungle and I don't trustanyone! Not even my own family, for fear of inadvertent betrayal, exploitation,mockery, ridicule, etc.. I've been married several times, numerousrelationships, and so on.
My friend, life is really hard when you get out of the army!In the military there's a code of ethics and there are standards that we go by.The old saying, "Watch my back & I'll watch yours", says it prettywell. In the military it doesn't matter what color you are or where you camefrom, i.e. foreign, poor, rich, American Indian, white, black, brown, it doesn'tmatter we are brothers in arms." in a sense we were "colorblind". In civilian life no one hardly trusts anyone.
For me, being out of the army has heightened my stress,paranoia & anxiety. These three titles include a lot of other emotions i.e.rage, lack of trust, scared all the time, depression, suicidal, lack of sleepdue to paranoia, homicidal response to little things, and always on guard.Irandomly wake-up nightly. Each night it is a different hour of the night. Mycompulsion is to check out the windows and look around the house with my lightand shotgun. I walk outside as quietly as possible to see if anyone's around.Since I no longer have my dogs, I pull "guard duty." I'm married now& have a 2 1/2 year old son, which makes me more stressed in trying toprotect them from harms way.
Son.. it is hard! I have a 20 acre farm with lots of geese andbirds that act as my watchdogs. Laugh if you want but, it works!! I live in thewoods as far away from the town as I can get. But, the people keep moving inaround my family and me. I feel like I'm smothering with people! It's a fulltime job trying to mind your own business with people trying to help you out! Totell them you want to be left alone just doesn't work! So life goes on with thisterrible burden of stress, anxiety, and paranoia. It doesn't take much totrigger me into rage.
I stress out, every day and night. The feelings are with me 24hrs a day. I go to therapy every week at the V.A. hospital or private therapy.Life in general is hard to cope with!
You see Al, few people have any knowledge of what many vetswent through until they have been in the military and seen people killed beforetheir own eyes. The non-vet (other than, maybe, law enforcement officers) cannotbegin to know the feeling of looking at the business end of a M-16 assault riflewith someone on the trigger end that has just flipped out. It therefore followsthat almost none have any knowledge of what it is like for the returning vet. Ifthey did, I doubt that they would be so quick to say, "Ah, he'll get overit."
As the saying goes, "When you've walked the walk. You cantalk the talk!"
Perhaps some might better understand if they saw the list ofmedications that the V.A. has been prescribing for me since October 18, 1997:
(a) Chlorpromazine 200 mg 2 ea 4 times a day.
(b) Clonazapam 2 mg. 2 times a day
(c) Haldol 3 mg (shot) constacte 3 times a month.
(d) Cogentin (Benzotropine) to be taken as needed for muscle spasms.
(e) Levothyroxine 0.15 mg. 1 time a day (for headaches) There's enough for 30days (30 tab) I run out by the 10th of the month.
(f) Florinal 1, 2 times a day or as needed.
About a month ago one of my counselors suggested that I starttaking a "natural stress formula," 2 ea. 3 to 5 times daily, it seems to reallywork. Here are some facts now:
1. I sleep peacefully at night with less-stress and anxietywhen I'm awake.
2. I'm able to talk to other non-military persons withoutfeeling paranoid. (I still don't thoroughly trust anyone except my wife.)
3. The days aren't so hard on me.
4. AND, I don't need to take the medications I had been:
Al, if I can be of any help to you, please write to me.Sincerely,
(Name withheld for reasons of privacy}